Normalize Dumping A-Rod

Here is one thing I have noticed about men: they are embarrassing.

Drake and Shaun King embarrassed Rihanna. Brad embarrassed Jen. Ashton Kutcher embarrassed Demi Moore. Nick Cannon embarrassed Mariah. Chris Pratt embarrassed Anna Faris. Jason Derulo embarrassed Jordin Sparks. Kanye embarrassed Kim. Barack embarrassed Michelle. Joseph probably embarrassed Mary. I love Denzel Washington and Charlie Puth. But both of those men embarrass me all the time.

Happy Bennifer To All Who Celebrate

Through some glitch in the matrix, J.Lo and Ben Affleck are the only two people in Hollywood consistently delivering on the chaos edict: I’m listening to Usher, there’s a new Spider-Man movie coming out soon, Ben Affleck and J.Lo are Doing It. One the one hand: is this not literally the year 2004? On the other hand: y’all will not shut up about nostalgia and reboots and revivals.

“VP of Bennifer Affairs”

Legally, I cannot recommend texting your ex. That’s God’s law, not man’s law. But I have to admit: it’s working out for Jennifer Lopez.

Are We Dealing With a 'Closer' Situation?

I take to Bennifer, 2021’s greatest revival, like a pig in slop, so tonight we will discuss the most pressing Bennifer question of the week: Are A-Rod (Jennifer Lopez’s ex) and Lindsay Shookus (Ben Affleck’s ex) really hanging out?

A Close Read of “52 … What It Do”

Many people have asked me “Is this just a newsletter about Bennifer now?” and to that I say: once literally any other celebrity picks up their slack then … yes. We will discuss the Adam Driver Burberry ad on Friday.

No, That’s My Emotional Support Bennifer Venice Pic

There is no deep and important observation here other than: they are my lifeblood and I need new pics of them to keep going.

One Nation Under Pap Walks

There are three people in every (and by “every” I mean “this”) relationship: Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck, and me (and by “me” I mean myself, literally, but also “us,” meaning everyone watching from home). Bennifer is, more than anything, uniquely attuned to this fact. How excellent they are at performing their love! No one else does vacations like them, does an IG reveal like them, does Venice like them, does pap walks like them, does the important grunt work of selling a movie like them. Lesser couples have to vie for our attention, begging us to care about their every little overshare; Bennifer simply is — and does — and it’s a thrill to watch them date. What new tricks does Lopez have up her plaid statement sleeve next!

The Winner is Bennifer

I keep seeing variations online of one single idea: “I just want to live in precedented times again.” Bennifer, in some small, shallow, way are precedented times: the way Bennifer updates moved through my meetings, my group chats, my conversations with strangers and friends and family. I like the idea that people don’t ever really change — that we don’t evolve, that we don’t really grow, that we can be drawn to the same flames today that we were 20 years ago — it’s very Before trilogy-romantic. “Baby you are going to miss that plane,” but “Baby, two Leos are putting on their little outfits to go on a papp walk together.”

Somehow I Snuck Into a Scene in J.Lo's Documentary

I was minding my own business the other afternoon, watching the J.Lo doc Halftime on Netflix when I heard: my own voice! I had a soundbite pulled into the documentary’s section about J.Lo not getting nominated for the Oscar she should’ve won for Hustlers

We Should Not Have Let a Leo Get This Powerful

World Prepares For "Dear Ben Pt. II'

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have been quiet lately — and by “quiet” I mean not having any more weddings. A few days after posting what might be the most embarrassing reel ever reel’d — the cuddling, him popping that gum, fix it Lord — Jennifer Lopez’s socials went dark. In pop star language that meant an album announcement was upon us:

Ben Affleck and the Unhappily Married Allegations

We are (nearly) one year and two on camera tiffs into the Bennifer marriage. It is, obviously, my favorite relationship ever.

They have their issues: The fifty-leven weddings. The J.Lo movie Mother, a movie that apparently exists and is somehow not a Julia Roberts biopic. Ben Affleck sulking at his wife’s work mixer (I would feel some type of way too if I had to be subjected to Trevor Noah’s standup). The latest is the car door slam heard round the world: After a pap walk, Ben Affleck appeared to slam the door on Jennifer Lopez this week.

And A Very Happy Ben Affleck Abs Day To You Too

Many people celebrated Father’s Day on Sunday; Bennifer celebrated Ben Affleck’s Abs Day. Jennifer Lopez rang in the day with a four post carousel, led, of course, by a thirst trap: “Daddy Appreciation Post,” she captioned. “Happy Father’s Day Papa.” The only correct way to talk about this is slide by slide:

Jennifer Please

It’s Jennifer Lopez Presents Inception, and it’s Jennifer Lopez Presents 50 Shades of Grey, and it’s Jennifer Lopez Presents the Super Mario Bros. movie from 1993, and it’s Disney’s Black Is King, A Film by Beyoncé, But The Jennifer Lopez Version of That. In the trailer for JLo’s This Is Me… Now movie-visual album, Lopez is a sex addict, a love addict, a heartbreak addict, and working in the Titanic boiler room but also doing talk therapy with Dr. Fat Joe. The film will stream on Amazon on February 16.

Jennifer Lopez: This Is Her Then … Now ... (Again)

Jennifer Lopez recorded an album to film a music-video-movie-thing (more on this later) to make a documentary. The most generous read of “This Is Me…Now,” her sequel to 2002’s “This Is Me…Then,” is that she felt like talking in The Greatest Love Story Never Told, a documentary now streaming on Amazon Prime. The doc is 90 minutes of J.Lo speaking candidly and emotionally about the gargantuan effort it takes to, at every single moment, choose to be J.Lo. Lopez is not exceptional at singing or dancing or acting, but she is very exceptional at being Jennifer Lopez, and that is a separate, unique talent.

Bennifer: That Was Them … When

Must all good things come to an end? Bennifer, the greatest thing to ever happen1 to any of us, might really be done. On Friday afternoon, Jennifer Affleck (née Lopez, and maybe soon to be née Affleck) canceled what was left of her summer tour. The North American tour would’ve been J.Lo’s first tour in five years. “This Is Me … Live: The Greatest Hits” (pegged to the album “This Is Me … Now,” based on the movie “This Is Me … Now: A Love Story,” a sequel to the album “This Is Me … Then”2) was originally set to hit 30 cities and was announced in February. After poor ticket sales, the first seven dates of the tour were canceled in April, and it was rebranded from “This Is Me … Now” to “This Is Me … Live: The Greatest Hits.”

Bennifer Anniversary: He’s Gone, Girl

Ben Affleck is Gone Baby Gone. Or should I say he’s Gone Girl? God forbid I say he Bounced. Tomorrow marks two years since Bennifer’s Vegas wedding ceremony, and Affleck is looking more divorced than ever. On Sunday, J.Lo was in Southampton with Violet Affleck, Ben’s oldest child. That very same day, Ben Affleck was alone in LA, going for a ride on his motorcycle.