Last week, I wrote about how my toddler learned to self-soothe. Since then, I have been thinking about how we, as adults, could do with taking a note or two from her. I’ve noticed that when we’re at a busy place, like a family gathering or soft play, my daughter will take herself to one side and play quietly. She might also ask for her ‘Guy’. If you’ve met my child, the chances are you’ve met Guy.
Guy is so powerful, we actually have Two Guys - as the risk of losing one Guy seemed too much to deal with. Guy is just a little shiny comforter my mother-in-law bought when she born. She wasn’t that interested in it for the first year or so, as she was still breastfeeding to sleep, but when she started sleeping alone (and sucking her thumb more often), Guy became the top dog in our house. He’s called Guy because we just thought he seemed like a nice little guy, and after a few times of saying: “Wow, what a cute little guy” our early-talking daughter decided this would be his moniker forever more. Growing up, most of us had some sort of Guy - a dummy (pacifier), blanket, or cuddly toy that comforted us. These items are often so loved they become so worn down - my own ‘guy’ is a knitted cardigan my Gran made before I was born. Yes, I still have it. Yes, it’s barely hanging on by a thread. Whatever your precious item was, they all have one thing in common with Guy - they brought us comfort and allowed us to self-soothe and regulate our emotions as a child. Eventually, we grow up and leave these items behind. But our nervous systems still need regulation. We still have to self-soothe, we just do it in different ways - and many people might not even realise they are doing it at all. The sandwich theoryI have this theory that many people, especially those who are neurodivergent, are often first diagnosed with anxiety and depression as if it is a condition in itself. But, in my experience, these are actually symptoms of emotional dysregulation. If you spend your days in a world that doesn’t accommodate you (think square peg, round hole), eventually, these symptoms will make themselves known. I picture it as if we are sandwiches (stay with me). You are the filling, and life/society/expectations/responsibility is the bread. If you push too hard on the bread, the filling will leak out. It has nowhere else to go.
For many people, this leaked filling will present itself as depression, anxiety, panic attacks, poor sleep, etc. For a toddler, this might come out as a tantrum or meltdown. Before long, you’re living your life in Fight or Flight Mode and have no idea how you got there. So, how do you get out of this situation? You can’t take the bread away because that would be a mess. A sandwich needs bread. But how can we ease the pressure and keep the filling inside? Ok, I am reading this back and thinking I sound absolutely insane, but it’s making sense to me, so bear with me. We need to ease the pressure of the bread on the filling, and even reduce the amount of filling inside the bread - this will keep a better balance. What I’m trying to say is that if we fail to regulate our emotions, we risk becoming consumed by them. They will always be there, so we can’t ignore them - but we can learn to acknowledge and manage them in such a way that allows us to improve our overall quality of life - and keep the filling inside the bread. How to self-sootheSelf-soothing is the act of regulating one's emotions. It helps one step outside of a situation, observe one's feelings from an outside perspective, and determine what to do next. This is, in essence, what my daughter is doing when she steps away from a busy party to seek comfort with her Guy. She just needs a few moments of mindfulness to self-soothe in a moment of dysregulation. I don’t expect you to whip out a Guy at the office. It’s mostly about laying the foundations for a solid emotional base, so when the pressure of the bread does hit, we can hold onto our fillings with minimal mess. One way I do this is through exercise; for me, this is running. I find running to be hugely self-soothing. As someone who is prone to panic attacks, I’ve found running to help regulate my adrenaline and remind my body that I am, in fact, not in life-threatening danger when I am waiting for the Metro.
Running itself can be mindful as it is one of the most basic of movements — it’s an allegory for life. One foot in front of the other is an idiom for a reason. Other ways I self-soothe are probably less neurotypical. I allow myself to watch the same TV show on repeat without judgment. I shake my feet on the sofa. I choose to wear materials that don’t cause me sensory issues. I follow my curiosity and learn about obscure topics for the sake of it. I listen to my podcasts. I eat whatever food I fancy without guilt. All of these activities are, in one way or another, self-soothing to me. They basically act as wax paper, or whatever people wrap sarnies in, and offer that additional support I need for when the sandwich inevitably gets all squished in my bag and the filling leaks out. Ok, enough about sandwiches for now.
This weekend, I had a solo couple of days with our daughter, and we went to see In The Night Garden Live at the Tyne Theatre. I know for many people, this would be a real nightmare experience, but I truly loved it - seeing her experience something like this for the first time was so magical. I actually shed a tear when she was dancing away to Iggle Piggle.
Experiences like this give me confidence in my current decision to only have one child. I get to give her my full attention and experience special moments with just her. Afterward, we went for sushi, and she kept saying what a good day she’d had. It was so precious; I’d highly recommend a little one-on-one day with a toddler if you have one hanging around. Other things I’ve also enjoyed this week: 📚Headshot by Ruth Bullwinkel - This Booker Prize longlisted book caught my eye as it’s a pretty interesting concept. The whole novel covers one boxing tournament and tells the story of each of the young girls fighting through the lens of the bouts. It’s a quick read and had some real gems, but it wasn’t my favorite recent read. You can follow me on Goodreads to keep up with what I’m reading. 📺 Brassic (Netflix) - Sky’s answer to Shameless is now on Netflix and I’m here for it. 📺 Devs (Disney+) - We are late to this, but we have been watching Alex Garland’s sci-fi show from 2020. We’re only halfway, so still lots of questions but we’re hooked. See you next week, Ellen x It’s now less than two weeks until the Great North Run now. I’m raising money for Pancreatic Cancer UK in memory of my mam, Miriam, who passed away from this vicious cancer in 2019. Any donation is hugely appreciated! 🎧I’m on Spotify!If you like the audio version of this newsletter, you can listen to them all over on Spotify. Here’s last week’s:
💌 About this emailI’m Ellen, and I write about mental health for the chronically online. I am a freelance copywriter, strategist and web designer, and I work from home with my husband, Craig, at Content By The Sea. We have two rescue greyhounds, Potter and Harmony, and a toddler. I started this newsletter in March 2020 and have sent over 180 emails; currently, I have over 1,200 subscribers. I write about a wide variety of topics, including diet culture, my love of running, jealousy, my life falling apart, mam guilt, and this dystopian world we all live in. 💛 How you can support meIf you like reading my weekly emails, you can give me a kickback in one or more of the following ways: 📨 Share this post 📬 Subscribe for free (if you haven’t already!) 💬 Leave a comment on this newsletter 💰Sign up to be a paid supporter of the newsletter for just £4 a month or £40 a year. The current perks of being a paid subscriber are receiving one extra Touching Grass email each month with all of my top films, shows, podcasts and books. Most importantly, you are supporting me in continuing to write this newsletter week after week. You're currently a free subscriber to Conversations By The Sea. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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