The Kansas City Chiefs laced up their cleats and took to the field at Arrowhead Stadium on Thursday evening. People definitely played defense and other people definitely played offense. A ball was thrown through the air, sometimes through a big U in the sky. Someone ran with the ball across a yardline, of which there were many. Helmet. Hike! What I’m describing is called a football game, made famous by the 2006 NBC TV series Friday Night Lights, a game that the Kansas City Chiefs won and the Baltimore Ravens lost.

But the night’s real nail biter was happening off the field. I’m imagining a corporate bunker situation room … in the middle is that one boardroom from Succession … a panopticon office staffed by assistants in the red scrubs from Dead Ringers. Some people don’t even have top halves of their bodies like Ms. Bellum from Powerpuff Girls, they are just shoulders-down with iPads and Apple watches and the other things people wear to communicate being urgently needed. There’s a wall of screens receiving live broadcasts from all over the world, and wherever Jake Gyllenhaal happens to be (to bully him). The walls are lined with portraits of Taylor Swift winning awards. This is Tree Paine’s headquarters, and people are furtively shuffling around, speaking in harsh, hushed tones: What will Tree Paine do about Brittany Mahomes?

When Donald Trump goaded Swift into a political endorsesment, either for him or against him, it seemed like amatuer hour. In mid-August, he shared clearly AI-faked images of “Swifties for Trump” and Taylor Swift-as-Uncle Sam directing her followers to vote red in the presidential election. Last year, conspiracy theorists suggested that Swift was a secret agent of the Pentagon on assignment to win the Super Bowl and ensure Biden’s second term. (If so, assignment failed … maybe her Eras Tour life sentence got in the way?) The Trump post was stupid, but seemed a little calculated. An endorsement or a denouncement could both be gifts to a campaign bogged down by unpopular political positions and J.D. Vance, a running mate with the charisma of a chainsaw.

In a dream world, though, Tree Paine (and, I guess, Swift) unleashes her ire. Tree had such harsh words for DeuxMoi — “Enough is enough with these fabricated lies about Taylor from Deuxmoi. There was NEVER a marriage or ceremony of ANY kind,” she Tweeted rather out of the blue, shooting down rumors about a Joe Alwyn elopement — what would she say to a man trying to profit from turning Taylor Swift into a villain. (The lights are kept on at the respective homes of Scooter Braun and Kanye West by Swift refusing to let those feuds, which she won, go.) Tree Paine should go nuclear on Trump, thereby doubling down on whatever Taylor Swift said in Miss Americana about wanting to be mostly apolitical, not entirely apolitical, or whatever. Donald Trump had finally done something bad with repercussions (pissing off Tree Paine) instead of doing a lot of bad with no repercussions (the four years of his presidency, and Janaury 6. And also all the years before his presidency, too.) Intead, Tree was silent. (Peyton, for what it’s worth, correctly predicted this on “Lemme Say This.”)

When I imagined Tree Paine having a proper nemesis I thought it would have to be someone with the cultural capital and influence of Kim Kardashian. I did not imagine it could be … Brittany Mahomes.

In August, Mahomes, the wife of Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, liked a Trump Instagram post with the sentence fragments, wild generalities, and stupid nonsequitors that he considers his campaign platform . “Seal the border and stop the migrant invasion,” “Carry out the largest deportation operation in American history, “Make America the dominant energy producer in the world, by far!” … You get the idea.) When fans criticized Mahomes for liking the post, she fired back on her own IG Story, posting (what appeared to be a screenshot) that “To be a hater as an adult, you have to have some deep-rooted issues you refuse to heal from childhood. There's no reason your brain is fully developed and you hate to see others doing well” with the caption “I mean honestly.”

Nevermind that I’m not sure where “hater” factors into responding to what appear to be Mahomes political leanings. My brain is fully developed and I am a hater of many things. :) Mostly this racism and bigory :))

Mahomes doubled down a few days later. She posted a screenshot of a tweet asking for others to disagree and still be kind. “Contrary to the tone of the world today….you can disagree with someone, and still love them. You can have differing views, and still be kind,” the post read. Mahomes added a caption, instructing her followers to “Read that again!” 

On Wednesday, Donald Trump posted a message on Truth Social thanking Mahomes for her support. “I want to thank beautiful Brittany Mahomes for so strongly defending me, and the fact that MAGA is the greatest and most powerful Political Movement in the History of our now Failing Country,” he wrote. “With Crime and Illegal Immigration totally out of control, INFLATION Ravaging all Americans, and a World that is laughing at the stupidity of our hapless ‘leaders,’ it is nice to see someone who loves our Country, and wants to save it from DOOM,” he added. “What a great couple – See you both at the Super Bowl!” Oh boy. The definition of ijbol — you could hear my laugh all the way up to the Heaviside Layer.

Tree Paine reaches for a her 19th cigarette of the day. A hundred mirrors shatter. An assistant is spontaneously set on fire just pacing around the room. The Pain-agon (that’s the Tree Paine Pentagon) is in code red.

At the Chiefs game on Thursday, Taylor Swift sauntered into the stadium is a predictably ridiculous outfit: instead of her usual Oberlin-chic, she looked rather high school senior overdressed for a dive bar with her big sister’s ID. She was not photographed next to Brittany Mahomes all night.

“Brittany Mahomes' fellow NFL WAGs have not questioned her support of Donald Trump as they are too scared to ‘cross her,’” according to the Daily Mail. But everyone with a pulse should be afraid to cross Tree Paine; she is a master of arts dark and also bejeweled. That Daily Mail report said that Mahomes and Swift hung out after the game; they previously reported that the two have a “pact” to not discuss politics. But how long does Tree let this go on before it gets too toxic? Perhaps Taylor Swift will do the celebrity endorsement special she did in 2016 and only post in support of a candidate damn year day of; with Trump and Mahomes bringing her into this election, how much longer can she claim the Eras tour is keeping her too busy to see the news? There's a place in Hell reserved for women who don't support other women.

 To be clear this is the woman trying to sell haircare btw:

Joaquin Phoenix declined to answer a question about his abrupt exit from the new Todd Haynes movie: “I think, if I do, I'd just be sharing my opinion from my perspective and the other creatives aren't here to say their piece, and I just don't feel like that would be right. I'm not sure how that would be helpful," Phoenix said during Joker: Folie à Deux’s Venice press conference this week.” So, I just I don't think I will." (Deadline)

More from Venice … one man that’s not Luca Guadagnino or a man in a Luca Guadagnino movie has finally contributed to society: Lady Gaga’s fiance convinced her to make pop music again. “Michael [Polansky] is the person who told me to make a new pop record. He was like, ‘Babe. I love you. You need to make pop music.’” (Vogue)

I kind of can’t look at this without thinking of when dads want to do skin-to-skin immediately after birth. (Channing Tatum’s IG) 

Re: the Oppenheimer going down between Ice Spice and Cleo Trapa: Ice Spice did a Twitter Spaces discussing their friendship breakup. It … doesn’t make her sound better! (@/ShesFishy)

That’s all this week! Thank you for reading. Tonight I’ll be at the US Open with my Dad (likely place for me to be). See you Sunday for Industry and the finale of Chimp Crazy, which I am now obsessed with.

Bonus for the paid list: Club Chalamet Marked Safe From Stan Twitter’s Rapture...