Previously, on INDIGNITYASK THE SOPHISTMy problem is that I still can’t shake the anxiety. I didn’t “earn” this break that keeps me in my home, and the early retirement feels like stolen valor. I’ve known forever that I’m a financial basket case that never would have lived without a massive debt hanging over me, and yet I’m struggling with taking the goddamn win already. What’s wrong with me?
LOST & FOUND DEP'T. Recently Found in America
A Rolex watch valued at $40,000 (on the wrist of a 10-year-old boy in a car in Martin County, Florida, according to police, who arrested his father for alleged sleight-of-hand theft from a jewelry store in the county seat, and who reported finding $400,000 in valuables in all, some of them stuffed inside a plush toy of the Boxy character from the Lankybox YouTube channel, which the police misidentified as a Squishmallow)
Recently Missing in America
A decades-old teddy bear (from somewhere along the route between the White Mountains in New Hampshire and Stoneham, Massachusetts, possibly either the Warren Fish Hatchery in Warren, New Hampshire, or the parking lot of the food court of the Mall at Rockingham Park in Salem, New Hampshire)
COLUMN DEP'T. Meanwhile, go wash your hands! We got Cold & Flu Season coming down fast! The fucking government meathead who swims in bacteria and had a worm drill into his brain doesn’t want anybody to get a Covid shot! Also, what the fuck is dude going on about with the Mitochondria? Keep that maniac away from children! What the hell is going on? Is he talking about the fucking Midi-chlorians from STAR WARS? This guy eats bear heads or something! What’s next? Dipshit doesn’t think kids should get measles shots, he’s comin’ for flu shots, you know it! Save yourselves!
SIDE PIECES DEP'T.FOR DEFECTOR, I wrote about how Donald Trump has once again granted his own wish to see armed military forces in American cities: The nation's capital is under armed military occupation, against the wishes of its own government and residents. The armed military occupation is an empty, idiotic spectacle. But also the armed military occupation is armed.
The Defense Department has described the Guard members as performing "presence patrols," a bit of military jargon transplanted to a civilian city. The government's Defense Visual Information Distribution Service offers photographs of troops carrying out previous "presence patrols" in places including Kandahar, Baghdad, Basra, and Kenya, where the caption described the Army as "countering violent extremist organizations throughout East Africa."
FOR FLAMING HYDRA, Joe wrote about Cracker Barrel: And look, I am not some fuckin’ bumpkin who never went to a fancy restaurant. I have been places on this great globe of ours and I have eaten things! White-tablecloth joints where they have that metal shovel to get the crumbs off the table! Fingerbowls! Sherbet between courses! Wine pairings! Crickets in Oaxaca, even! I make a mean deviled egg! There’s just times and places where you jam econo or you eat the lowest common denominator!
WEATHER REVIEWS New York City, August 28, 2025★★★★ Once more, confoundingly and blessedly, what would have been the tailpipe of the summer was mild and fresh. The walk to the concert would have been easy and pleasant if a misread email hadn't turned it instead into a journey by subway 70 blocks in the wrong direction, followed by a frantic and sweaty trip 80 blocks the other way. But the clouds that had kept the heat from gathering at midday yielded to let the late light in, and the breezes were waiting in the cool of uptown when the panic was over. EASY LISTENING DEP'T.HERE IS TODAY'S Indignity Morning Podcast! Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive! ADVICE DEP'T.HEY! DO YOU like advice columns? They don't happen unless you send in some letters! Surely you have something you want to justify to yourself, or to the world at large. Now is the perfect time to share it with everyone else through The Sophist, the columnist who is not here to correct you, but to tell you why you're right. Direct your questions to The Sophist, at indignity@indignity.net, and get the answers you want. SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS in aid of the assembly of sandwiches selected from Assiniboia Cook Book, compiled and published by the Women's Association of the St. Paul's United Church, Assiniboia, Saskatchewan, Canada, published in 1925 and available at archive.org for the delectation of all. PIMENTO AND EGG SANDWICH FILLING.—Eight or ten gherkins, six eggs hard boiled, one can pimentos (large size), one onion. Chop and drain pickles, cut and drain pimentos, chop onion and eggs. Mix all together with a fork and moisten with the following dressing: One-half cup sugar, one-half cup vinegar, one-half pint cream, two egg yolks or one whole egg, one teaspoon salt, one teaspoon flour, one-half teaspoon mustard. Mix dry ingredients, add egg, then cream. Heat the vinegar and pour into partly cooked dressing. Let the whole come to a boil, stirring constantly. If all the dressing is used with the above filling. it will make one quart
—Mrs. C. H. Webster. If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net . SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T. Indignity is presented on Ghost. Indignity recommends Ghost for your Modern Publishing needs. Indignity gets a slice if you do this successfully!
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