There are many places where adults would prefer not to be around other people’s children. Seated next to or in front of them on airplanes, their homes, spas, commercial fishing vessels; these places range far and wide. But there are few places where regular citizens, outside of private business and local governments, can impose a no-child rule themselves.
One of these rare spaces is weddings.
Some people getting married are now asking, some more politely than others, to leave kids out of their special day. There are plenty of reasons why some wouldn’t want children around. Perhaps it’s because they want their friends to party late into the night. Maybe they want their guests to fully take advantage of the open bar. What if no one wants children to witness the violent, erotic thrill of the chicken dance?
Or maybe the couple simply wants to avoid interruptions during their ceremony.
Naturally, because adults — who were all children at one point in their lives — are nosy and opinionated, they cannot help but give their thoughts on a child-free wedding. A smaller portion of those people, whether they’re invited to said nuptials or not, cannot help but think of needed exceptions to and complaints about prohibiting children from a wedding that isn’t theirs. As it often happens online, a discourse (derogatory) was born. Some of the debate’s talking points included:
Perhaps the couple should provide babysitting or some kind of child care to invitees? What if the rules only apply to children and not newborns? What if my child, who is not like other children, is the exception?
This brand of loophole-hunting evoked spirited defenses: Just stay home. Find someone to watch your child. No, of course not.
With so many adults turning the debate into a cacophony of jumbled thoughts and jagged replies, I wondered if we were missing key voices in the squabble, the people affected most by a child-free wedding: children themselves. Do they want to go to weddings? Do they believe they’re being discriminated against? Do they even know what weddings are?
Knowing how they feel and what they believe might help both sides parse the no-kids debate. With the help of their parents, I interviewed a few kids to get to the bottom of this: Ronan, who is 8, Rafi (Rafaella), who is 5, and Ellie, who is also 5.
Do you know what a wedding is?
Ronan: Yes.
Rafi: Yes, it’s when people get married.
Ellie: Yes, you get to wear a fancy dress.
Would you ever want to go to a wedding?
Ronan: Maybe. Depends whose wedding it is.
Rafi: Yeah, I think I want to see people get married.
Ellie: Yeah, because it seems kinda fun.
Let's pretend that a grown-up had a wedding or a party and they said, “no kids allowed.” How would that make you feel?
Rafi: Sad.
Ellie: Bad. I don't like when grown-ups don't allow kids.
Do you think grown-ups are boring?
Ronan: When they're working, they are.
Rafi: No because, they don't do any boring stuff. Like, they get to take pictures every day.
If you were the only kid at a (boring) grown-up party, would you go or would you skip it altogether?
Ronan: Skip the grown-up party altogether.
Rafi: No other kids? No. Skip the party and hang out with my friends — I love ’em.
Ellie: I’d run away and play with other kids.
Why?
Ronan: I'd be embarrassed. I don't want to talk about it. Oh, wow.
Rafi: I like laughing at parties.
It’s important to acknowledge that children are sometimes known to misjudge situations before they experience them. (A crucial part of growing up is witnessing the world not live up to your expectations.) But based on this extensive and extremely scientific survey, it does seem like children do in fact enjoy the ideas of a wedding and being invited. And it seems like kids also give grown-ups the benefit of the doubt when it comes to being boring. It’s pertinent to note, though, that the enjoyment value they see drops precipitously if they’re the only kid present. Being the only human being under 10 in a gathering full of grown-ups — which may well be the exact situation if they’re brought to a child-free wedding — is not a scenario they desire.
This all-around agreement among my survey group is affirming to me. It also aligns with the advice from adult etiquette experts at The Knot and Emily Post who say that the couple should have the final say. They also note that once the child-free decree is sent, no exceptions should be made, because it signals favoritism and creates the potential for even more feelings.
As someone who believes that whoever is getting married is allowed to do whatever they want at their wedding, and that whomever is invited is always allowed to say no and not attend, a child-free wedding should be child-free. The people getting married want it. The people going want it — if they really don’t, they are allowed to stay home. And the people affected by the actual rules, the children themselves, don’t want to be there either if they are the only kids there — no matter what their parents say.
