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PROGRAMMING NOTE DEP'T. BE SURE TO stop by on Friday for chapter three of Tom Scocca's serialized novel, The Stairs! MEANWHILE, THANKSGIVING LOOMS. Today, in addition to the award-winning MR WRONG column, we dove into the deep freeze and plated up a smörgåsbord of warmed-over helpings and advance leftovers from the Indignity/Hmm Daily/Hmm Weekly/Popula menu. Thank you for reading and/or financially supporting Indignity! COLUMN DEP'T. MR WRONG: I'm Feeling Grateful That Somebody Else Cooked This Turkey TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING, all day. It is Thanksgiving Eve, and usually I'm way more psyched by now, but this Economy is really getting to me, you know? Every day it's some unpleasant new event, getting in the way of me managing my cognitive dissonance so that just for one fuckin' day, I can relax. I mean, during the height of our Global Pandemic (Hmm Weekly for November 17, 2020), the Mr. Wrong column was as happy as a pigskin on football! YES! This is gonna be the Best Thanksgiving ever! Think about it! You don’t have to go anywhere! You don’t have to wear a mask! You get to eat what YOU want! You don’t have to eat—or pretend to eat by putting some on your plate and then hiding it under some other stuff—anything you don’t like! You can eat ALL and ONLY the stuff that you like! Speaking of stuff, nobody likes cornbread stuffing except me, so this year I am making an entire Second Location Turkey out of cornbread stuffing! You can stuff your turkey with Cheetos if you want! You can have Cheetos for Thanksgiving! Real cranberry jelly out of the can or cranberry-schmear made outta cranberries with all the lumpy cran still in there, yuck! I’m eating a whole bowl of mashed potatoes! You don’t have to eat a turkey, or tell anybody they shouldn’t eat a turkey, or sit at the same table with a buncha animals who are eating a turkey! You can make gravy and pour it into a glass and drink it! Did I mention a whole bowl of mashed potatoes?
This year for Thanksgiving you can be a HERO, who totally fucking SAVES LIVES, by staying home and eating! After you eat you can lie on the floor like a lion after the hunt and go in and out of consciousness as you dream about eating some leftovers while watching whatever you want on teevee! Or not! Dog Show! Football! That chess program everybody likes so much! Happy Thanksgiving! Ohh, so hungry.
Not this year! I'm almost mad at Thanksgiving, I can't even explain it. Even after I took steps to de-stress the whole day! I know, I know, "ohh, look at you, hims needs to de-stress the day of cramming food into your Thanksgiving-hole and then lying on the floor going in and out of consciousness while some football happens on the teevee, waking only long enough to hog down a few more spoonfuls of mashed potatoes, of course you need to de-stress that, sure." Well, yes! Look, I spend a lotta time on Thanksgiving preparing the feast! It's stressful! It can be a giant pain the ass! I have The Misery in my back, and I go to a Physical Therapist. They have an amusing and informative website with advice for the Holiday. Turkey ergonomics! "Practice relaxation 😮💨 exercises for political discussions" is a good one, eh? I am fortunate in that aspect, I won't have anybody at my table who is gonna lecture me on Socialism or whatever, but this list, seriously, "use good back mechanics when bending to lift that heavy turkey," you don't think about this shit when you're in there, slingin' that gravy in the heat of kitchen battle, but if you have a trick back, that turkey can destroy you! Revenge! I get stressed out defrosting the turkey! I get stressed out trying to figure out how many minutes per pound of turkey it takes to cook! I get stressed out digging through the trash looking for the price tag of the turkey so I can see how many lbs. it is because I forgot to write it down! If you don't cook a turkey correctly it will ruin you! Turkacoccis-manella or whatever! Microbes! This year I decided to just buy the whole fuckin' thing. I work hard! I want to chill! I ain't gettin' up at no 4 a.m. o'clock in the zero-dark hundred to wrestle a raw turkey! I'm not putting a fuckin' dead bird into my igloo cooler to brine for however many hours or days! I want to take it easy this year, so I bought a box of Thanksgiving! Look, I went and got it this morning, it's already secure in the fridge in my castle:  A box of Thanksgiving! Turkey, pie, mashed potatoes, green bean thing, brussels sprouts thing, mac & cheese, sweet potato deal, a pie, some buns, stuffing, and GRAVY. I bought extra gravy. Heat & eat, turkey!  Mashed taters! Probably gonna add a half-stick of butter, just saying.  Brussels! We're probably gonna extra-cook this to get some crispy edges going.  Mac & cheese with some cheese shredded on top seems like gilding the lily, but I'll try it!  Broccoli salad! Healthy!  Fancy cran! Def also gonna open a can of the real-deal jelly, though, no offense. It's all ready to rock, and not that Plymouth fairy tale, I am on the real here, all that's gotta happen tomorrow is this victual gets heated up, we perform a few simple tweaks, and then we dig the fuck in. I am Thanksgivingful for this! Who knows, I might cheer up when the gravy—or some other brown liquid—hits my bloodstream. Anyway, Gentle Reader of the Mr. Wrong column, I am eternally Thanksgivingful for you, and whatever works for you during this Holiday Season, I hope it's peaceful and at some point you can take it easy like Sunday Morning! I think I'm cheering up, I'm already thinking about brunch!?! The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com. ASKED AND ANSWERED DEP’T. Holiday Special Rerun: What Time Is Thanksgiving Dinner?A DISCUSSION AND a definitive answer, as true now as it was when first presented in 2018. LEFTOVERS DEP'T. The Thanksgiving Night sandwichBY TOM SCOCCA When the Feast Is Gone, It’s Time for the SnackTHANKSGIVING SANDWICH SEASON is mostly built on trying to prolong (or anticipate) the feast. The cold turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce, the hot turkey sandwich with gravy—these are to reconfigure ingredients and memories into new, lighter-weight versions of the main event. The Thanksgiving Night sandwich has a different mission. It is there to give you a break from the full, orthodox dining experience in which you were immersed a few hours ago. The pies have long since settled, the kitchen is clean, the early sunset has given way to deep and lasting darkness. And now your stomach, emerging from its midday discombobulation, is noticing that its regular normal dinnertime has come and gone. It is ready for a little bit of something. Specifically, it is ready for this sandwich. Here is what you need: some hearty slices of turkey breast, gently extracted from the foil bundle in the fridge. The surviving crusty bread from the table, sliced thin enough for a sandwich. Some mayo or olive oil. Black pepper. And the essential Thanksgiving ingredient, prosciutto. What is prosciutto doing in your fridge at Thanksgiving? What isn't it doing there? You didn't go and have a giant holiday feast without laying out some antipasti, did you? You certainly didn't roast that turkey without lacing some prosciutto into the mountain of breast meat with a larding needle first, so it could melt into the turkey as it cooked, spreading salt and pork fat into the meat? Right? Well, now you know. Get yourself one plate, an ordinary one. The nice dishes are drying or already put away for the next holiday. Standing up at the kitchen table or counter, spread the oil or mayo on your bread. Lay the turkey down on it, and grind some pepper on it. Then put on some prosciutto. Three slices? Sure. Plenty of it. Close your sandwich and eat it. A Personal Thanksgiving Remembrance RegurgitatedBY JOE MACLEOD FOUR YEARS AGO, around this time, the day before Thanksgiving, I ate one of the finest fast-food sandwiches I ever ate (and I have eaten a lot of NOT-fine fast-food sandwiches), namely, a product billed as the Arby’s® DEEP FRIED TURKEY CLUB sandwich. It was, as I stated then, in my report, a happy fast-food surprise. I did not realize at the time how profoundly I would be affected by this sandwich, and how often I would recall the single occasion I ordered it, but this sandwich left a lasting and wonderful impression in my heart, and now, it has become a Sandwich of The Mind. A sandwich which is no longer available, because it wasn’t some jive-ass McRib-type “for a limited time only” bullcrap. It was real, and it was beautiful, and then it went away, which is the way of all things, but as long as it lives in my heart, it is still real, and mine. I hope your Holiday Season and beyond will be full of happy surprises that will be yours forever. Thank you.  ARBY's Deep Fried Turkey Gobbler (serving suggestion). "Quarter pound of thick-sliced Deep Fried Turkey piled high with crispy onions, Swiss cheese, stuffing, cranberry spread & mayo on a toasted sub bun." 2025 UPDATE: The Arby's Deep Fried Turkey Club has been supplanted by the Deep Fried Turkey Gobbler, which I cannot endorse, because I have not attempted to consume one yet, but just begun, the Holiday Season has! VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP’T.ThanksgivingMore consciousness at Instagram. EASY LISTENING DEP'T.Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive! LEFTOVERS SANDWICH RECIPE DEP’T.IN THE SPIRIT of the upcoming gustatory holiday, we present, from the various Indignity-related enterprises archives, a reprise selection of recipes for sandwiches from The Up-To-Date Sandwich Book: 400 Ways to Make a Sandwich, by Eva Greene Fuller, 1909, now in the public domain for the delectation of all, as found in the voluminous holdings of the Internet Archive. HOT TURKEY SANDWICH
Between thin slices of lightly buttered toast, places slices of warm turkey breast; over same pour a hot gravy made of slightly thickened turkey stock. Garnish with a pickle. TURKEY CLUB SANDWICH
Toast three thin slices of white bread and butter, on the lower slice lay cold white breast of turkey; cover with another slice of toast; on that lay a thin slice of hot broiled ham; cover with another slice of buttered toast and press together. Serve on a lettuce leaf. Garnish with small pickles. TURKEY SANDWICH
Between thin slices of lightly buttered white or brown bread, place thin slices of turkey breast; spread a little cranberry jelly over this and sprinkle with finely chopped celery. If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net. LAST THINGS LAST DEP'T. And for... dessert? SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T. Indignity is presented on Ghost. Indignity recommends Ghost for your Modern Publishing needs. Indignity gets a slice if you do this successfully!
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