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BUT FIRST, BEFORE WE BEGIN DEP'T. Before the next chapter drops tomorrow, get caught up on THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction! COLUMN DEP’T. MR WRONG: With Great Powerball Comes Great ResponsibilityTHE POWERBALL IS a Billion dollars! So that’s fun, I think, to think about what I am going to do with my one Billion powerball bucks that will be howevermuch after taxes, or maybe take the annuity and get yelled at for taking the annuity, but anyway, yeah nah gimme it all now, gimme gimme gimme! Money is Power and Powerball is Money! Powerball! Billionaires are bad, and you shouldn’t be one, or like, you should only be one for the time it takes you to bust up your Billion to do some good in the world, I think, which is why I will never be a Billionaire, until I win this Powerball! Gambling is bad, in general. It is a Vice! Bad! But a little bit of gambling is fun, in my experience, spending two bucks so you can think about all the things you would do with a Billion dollars, like hire a lawyer, disappear from society, be afraid you are going to get robbed for your Billion, and lose all your friends and most of your family, especially that one cousin who always wanted to start a worm farm or a solar car wash, or some other dopey business, I can’t wait to not hear from that pinhead ever again. There’s also this new gambling I keep hearing about where you can bet on the Government and real events on Earth that aren’t even sports, and that shit is really creepy, Polymarket, ugh. They call it “predictions,” so that it doesn’t look like betting? I don’t know. A Powerball costs two measly bucks, which is way better than the competitor Megamillions, which is a lottery just like Powerball, except to juice the jackpots faster, the ticket costs five bucks, and that’s where I draw the line. For my wagering budget, I will spend two dollars to win a Billion dollars, but no way, no how, am I spending five dollars, that’s ridiculous! For that fiver I could buy a Powerball and an item off the McDonald’s MCValue Menu. Bread and circuses! If I wasn’t hungry, which is never, I could buy a Powerball and then I could buy one more Powerball, and then blow a buck on a scratchoff or something, you know? Bet with your head, not three dollars over it, right? I would never buy more than one ticket for a Powerball, though, I only buy one ticket, because I am superstitious. I have seen people at the supermarket getting hundreds of dollars of Powerballs. I am not strong on Math, but I have heard that winning the Powerball is like getting hit by lightning two times, or maybe 250 times, if I read this article correctly, from one of my fave gambling websites, Accuweather. If I won the Powerball I could buy a fuckload of Sausage McMuffin®! I did the math, look: $461,300,000 divided by $2.67 equals 172,771,535.58052434 doses of Sausage McMuffin, ack! That would be 6,910,861,4232.20973783 calories, which I think is a violation of the law of Thermodynamics or something? Anyway, don't check my math, I am not going to do that with my Powerball dough, I will only do Good with my Powerball, not Evil, like stupid Google and their AI.  Look at these assholes AI is bad! But at least Time Magazine didn’t call the Person of the Year: “AI,” they went and used actual persons, who are all bad, I think, no offense, just saying, they are all Billionaires. The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com. EASY LISTENING DEP'T.Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive! SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of a sandwich selected from Cassell's New Dictionary of Cookery, published in 1912 by Cassell and Company, London, New York, Toronto, and Melbourne, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all. FISH SANDWICHES. Cut bread and butter as for other sandwiches, place thin scallops of any fish on the slices, and instead of mustard, use Tartar sauce. Put a layer of finely-sliced lettuce on the top of the sauce, and cover with bread and butter. Serve cut into squares. Thin slices of hard-boiled eggs may be added, but fish alone, if well seasoned, makes good sandwiches. If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net . SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T. Indignity is presented on Ghost. Indignity recommends Ghost for your Modern Publishing needs. Indignity gets a slice if you do this successfully!
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