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BUT FIRST, BEFORE WE BEGIN DEP'T. Before the next chapter drops Friday, get caught up on THE STAIRS, Tom Scocca's serialized work of fiction! COLUMN DEP’T. MR WRONG: They Can't Own Santa, Because Santa Belongs to Everyone Who Wants HimTHIS EPISODE OF the Mr. Wrong column is being typed on Xmas Eve, on account of Indignity observes The Holidays, whenever we can! I consider Christmas Eve also a part of The Holidays, and I would be happy to Observe that as well, in terms of not doing any work, but I was busy earlier in the week eating and drinking things in The Holidays-related festivities, so here we are. The Holidays!  I went to the CVS the other day to get drugs for my Iliotibial Band Syndrome, which was covered in a previous Mr. Wrong column, and they had a Santa Claus right near the door, a jolly greeter for The Holidays! This particular Santa was a Black Santa, and I normally don’t find it important to discuss the race of any Santa, because they are all Santa, you know? It’s like God, as in The Lord, or also Jesus, in keeping with the theme of The Holidays, one of which is a Jesus event, these Celestial Beings don’t need to be described in terms of if they are Black or white. But lately I have been hearing dopey people yammering, in their eternal War on The Holidays, about what color Santa should be, and this is an easy one, c'mon, Santa is right up there with Jesus, in terms of their number-one active super power, you know? They love everybody, and they want to give people stuff. Santa is typically giving consumer items, and Jesus has a solid rep of feeding people and providing libation, which is nice. So I am tired of people blabbering about how Santa Claus is supposed to be a certain color or whatever, OK? Santa is all the colors, and the same goes for God, all of ’em, and the Christian god, God Jr. All the colors! "Full Stop," as people like to say, except, of course, this is the Mr. Wrong column, so it's "Full Exclamation Point," OK? OK! There was even a song I remember addressing this issue. When I was a child, my mom sent me to one of those Vacation Bible Schools, which was like a fucking prison sentence, man, in the middle of Summer? Goddamn Bible School? Ack! Yeah, so I hadda do time in this Vacation Bible School for a week or two, and every day we would memorize a spell or a sentence, whatever they’re called, the good parts that people always quote out of The Holy Bible, the first bible, with Old Testament God, damn, that fucker was a hardass, seriously, people were getting serious consequences from the wrathful God all the time, and there was fighting and murdering and stuff, whew.  There is Nog to be drunk Anyway I don’t remember any of the stuff out of The Bible, but I remember this song “What Color is God’s Skin?” I found it on the tubes just now, and I apologize for this version, which is really kinda slow and draggy, it’s def not the tempo I remember from singing it in Vacation Bible School, but I’m in a hurry! It’s Xmas Eve and I wanna go have Xmas Eve and drink eggnog and watch the Pope do the magic show from the Vatican later tonight via satellite, so this version will suffice for my argument, I apologize that it's so sleepy, here: And here are the lyrics in answer to the Musical Question: It's black, brown, it's yellow, and it's red and it's white. Everyone's the same in the Good Lord's sight!
Case closed, OK? God’s skin has all the colors, and so does Santa, who is also God. Merry fucking Christmas! The MR. WRONG COLUMN is a general-interest column appearing weekly. No refunds. Write Wrong: wrongcolumn@gmail.com. LAST-MINUTE DEP'T.  A previous Gift Guide INDIGNITY VISITED THE local Walgreens to perform Service Journalism by way of our Last-Minute Gift Guide, which we've been doing since forever, but wow, Walgreens stinks now, seriously, the adult zero-thought gift selections were non-existent. They had some kid stuff, but everything is squishy, what the hell?  This is a human head-sized squish pillow  This is a golf ball-sized squish toy  This is a SQUEEZE CHEESE squish toy, Jesus fucking Christ  This is a pretty good kid gift, a shovel. The children need to get used to the new Economy! Also, it was super-depressing to see how much Walgreens charges for a can of carrots, ugh, Happy Holidays.  Del Monte Fresh Cut® SLICED CARROTS, $3.29 [UNIT PRICE 22.7¢ PER OUNCE] VISUAL CONSCIOUSNESS DEP'T.Holiday publicationsMore consciousness at Instagram. EASY LISTENING DEP'T.Here is the Indignity Morning Podcast archive! SANDWICH RECIPES DEP'T.WE PRESENT INSTRUCTIONS for the assembly of a sandwich selected from Cassell's New Dictionary of Cookery, published in 1912 by Cassell and Company, London, New York, Toronto, and Melbourne, and available at archive.org for the delectation of all. ITALIAN SANDWICHES. Beat up the yolk of an egg with nearly a quarter of a pint of cold water, and make with it into a stiff paste a quarter of a pound of baked flour into which two ounces of good butter have been rubbed, an ounce and a half of sifted sugar, and as much cinnamon as will lie on a shilling. Put this paste on a board and roll it out very thin (it should not be quite a quarter of an inch), divide it into strips of an inch in width, and from three to four inches in length. These strips must be first hardened. Put them in a cool, well-ventilated place. In the meantime prepare the following mixture. Beat the whites of three eggs to a froth, with two ounces of powdered loaf sugar. Blanch and pound two ounces of sweet and twelve bitter almonds, mix them with the egg-froth until it is a soft smooth paste, when spread half the strips of paste with the mixture, and cover with the other half. Bake a pale brown. Time, four or five hours to harden, sixteen to eighteen minutes to bake. Probable cost. Is. 4d. If you decide to prepare and attempt to enjoy a sandwich inspired by this offering, be sure to send a picture to indignity@indignity.net . SELF-SERVING SELF-PROMOTION DEP'T. Indignity is presented on Ghost. Indignity recommends Ghost for your Modern Publishing needs. Indignity gets a slice if you do this successfully!
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