Happy Newsletter everybody!
Hey could you do me a favor?
DomCon, one of the biggest kink/BDSM events in the world, is doing something new this year, and taking nominations for people doing educational work in the space. It would really mean a lot to me if you would throw my name in the hat for Educator of the Year. Over the past couple of years, a big part of my work has becoming going to conventions and live events to educate and advocate about neurodivergence and intimacy/kink, but so far, that line of work remains largely unnoticed and hard to promote because of online censorship. Being recognized would go a really long way to helping me book more opportunities and get the word out about this part of my work that I really, truly love to do.
All you gotta do is scroll down to the Educator of the Year option and put my name: Cate Osborn (Catieosaurus) and my email: cate@catieosaurus.com.
DomCon Community Choice Awards - NOMINATIONS
There will be a voting period later on, but I gotta be a finalist before voting starts to qualify.
Also, huge mega shoutout to everyone who signed up for MostlyPans and Patreon and preordered books and tickets last week for my birthday. It really, truly meant the world to me, and I appreciate it so much. Your support is what keeps this work possible, and I really, truly mean that.
This month on MostlyPans is going to be a little different- I did my first ever collab with the gorgeous and fabulous Gillian Foxglove and I'm so excited to share allllll of the content we put together.
This week's Newsletter question comes to us from Charlie:
Hi Cate,
I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask this without sounding dramatic, but here goes. I’m an ADHD woman in my 40s and I’ve been with my partner for 24 years. We love each other deeply, we’re good teammates, and on paper our life is solid. The problem is intimacy. My desire feels wildly inconsistent and his feels steadier, and lately that gap feels huge.
Sometimes I want closeness and connection and sometimes the idea of being touched makes my skin crawl, especially when I’m overwhelmed or burned out. I get so ANGRY that he wants more of me, more of my time, more of my effort. Then I feel guilty, like I’m failing at being a partner, I feel like I'm not enough, which somehow makes everything worse. We’ve talked about it but it feels like we’re stuck in the same loop. He tries to be patient, I try to push myself, we've tried scheduling, we've tried "just letting it happen naturally", but I hate feeling like I'm acquiescing to sex instead of enthusiastically consenting.
Is this an ADHD thing, a long term relationship thing, or a me thing? And how do you even start to untangle mismatched desire when you’ve been together this long without blowing up something that’s otherwise good.
Thank you for everything you do. I feel very seen by your work.
Charlie
(I got permission from Charlie to share her email and question, because I feel like it is DEEPLY relateable to so many women living with ADHD. Our friend Charlie is asking a very real question that a lot of people have but almost nobody has language for, so first off, if you relate to this, you're not broken, you're not a fuck up, and you're absolutely not alone.
Mismatched desire shows up in long term relationships all the time, and ADHD absolutely can be part of that. Desire is not just about attraction or love. It is about nervous system bandwidth, novelty, stress, resentment, sensory tolerance, and whether your brain currently feels safe enough to want anything at all. (And that's not even getting into things like natural libido fluctuations as we age, during menopause, taking differnt medications, etc etc etc). If your life is full and loud and demanding, your body may be prioritizing rest and control over touch, even if you adore your partner.
Guilt is an incredible desire killer. So is the sense that intimacy is something you owe, or have to give up to satiate the desire of your partner, rather than something you get to want. When you start pushing yourself through discomfort to be a good partner, your nervous system learns that sex equals obligation, and it will resist harder next time.
We see this a ton in long term relationships where one partner will only ever touch the other person if they want sex. Slowly, over time, we can develop a touch aversion because our minds conflate "oh god he's touching me" with "oh god he wants sex and I'm just not up for it and now I feel pressured and guilty and bad for not wanting it, but this is the ONLY time I feel intimately desired by my partner so I guess I should just force myself to enjoy it". That's not healthy, bebes.
After 24 years, it can help to stop framing this as “how do I fix my desire” and start framing it as “how do we build intimacy that actually works for the bodies and brains we have now.” That might mean redefining intimacy for a while. It might mean more nonsexual touch, or less. It might mean naming explicitly when you are overstimulated instead of powering through. It might also mean getting support from a therapist who understands ADHD and long term dynamics, because this is not a quick communication hack.
You are allowed to want what you want, even when that changes over time. You are allowed to have a body that says no sometimes. The work here is not forcing yourself to match his desire or conform to what he wants. The work is figuring out how to stay honest and connected without making either of you the bad guy.
I've said it once, I'll say it again, INTIMACY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS INTERCOURCE. Intimacy does not have to be sexual to be real or meaningful. For a lot of people, especially ADHD brains, intimacy is built through shared presence and low pressure connection. That can look like sitting on the couch together without phones and letting conversation wander, cooking a meal side by side, taking a walk and holding hands (and looking at cool rocks or big worms or interesting mushrooms), or doing something mildly novel together so your brain wakes up without it needing to turn into sex. Recently, my husband and I have started listening to audiobooks together and it's really become a highlight of my day, and I feel so much closer to him than I did because we have a little ritual and a connection we share outside of "how was your day/fine/how was yours/fine".
Intimacy can also be simple acts of care that say “I see you,” like making coffee the way your partner likes it, picking up their favorite candy (or a cool rock), taking the reins and organizing a fun date night. For some people, physical closeness like cuddling, leaning against each other, or getting a back rub without any expectation attached can rebuild safety around touch. The point is not to replace sex forever. The point is to remember that connection can exist without pressure, and often desire has a better chance of showing up when intimacy feels optional rather than required, and sexual intimacy has room to grow organically.
Something that I struggle with in the work that I do is that it always feels a little bit disingenuous to be like "oh just talk more or hold hands and your mismatched desire will be fixed. A lot of people doing this work skip the part where sometimes people DO just evolve into mismatched desires and sometimes it IS incredibly hard on the relationship.
Maybe this is a little bit of the 'tism sneaking through, but I really try to think of struggles like these as a neutral data point rather than a moral failing or an omen. Sometimes two people can love each other deeply and still want different things around intimacy, and that difference does not automatically mean anyone is broken or doing something wrong. Rudely, it also does not magically resolve itself just because you are patient or kind or look at rocks together, you know? Naming it clearly is not giving up, but it does give the truth to breathe in the room without treating it with shame or guilt or embarrassment. The elephant in the room thrives on an unwillingness acknowledge it. When desire stays mismatched over time, it can cause real grief, resentment, and loneliness on both sides, and pretending otherwise usually hurts more than telling the truth.
The key is that while we can work on building intimacy, we can also develop skills around holding two truths at once. "Our mismatched desire is painful and it matters, and it is impacting us, AND it is also true that our relationship is not necessarily doomed by default." From there, the question becomes practical rather than catastrophic. Can we live with this version of difference if nothing changes? What supports or structures might help? What compromises feel possible? Which feel like self abandonment? Sometimes opening a relationship works, sometimes stepping into kink or otherwise 'spicing it up' can work, sometimes it can be a miserable fucking disaster that makes things WAY worse.
You're allowed to experiment, you're allowed to ask tough questions. If the answer is eventually “we cannot make this work without someone losing themselves,” that is not a failure. That is an honest outcome of two humans being different. You can love someone and still need to tell the truth about what is working and what isn’t.
Above all else, I promise, promise promise that you are not the only person feeling this way, you're not the only wife struggling in silence, and you are absolutely not alone in this, even though it can feel incredibly lonely.
PS also go read Betty Martin's book, The Wheel of Consent, I promise you will learn at least four things that will change your life forever.
Hope this helps. <3
Cate
HEY NASHVILLE TENNESEE- YEAH YOU!
Tickets for my opening show are now on sale!
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Digestible, clear, and compassionate. Whether you've knowingly struggled with ADHD since childhood, realized you have it as an adult, or you know someone who's been diagnosed and you want to better support them—Osborn and Gude have created a much-needed, modern guide for navigating ADHD in today's world. From practical tips to existential questions, they break down ADHD in an accessible way, and it feels like a loving, no-bullshit best friend is holding your hand on every page. I learned a ton and had a blast doing it.”
Meg Josephson, LCSW
New York Times bestselling author of ARE YOU MAD AT ME?
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