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Saying no is one of the more challenging skills you must learn as a leader, whether thats as a Software Engineer or as a Manager.

This guide aims to give you an insight into one of the toughest parts of leadership: saying no.

For me, it was a learnt skill. When I was entering a conversation with either my team, stakeholders, my manager, or anyone that I knew I was going to need to say no in some form, my anxiety would go through the roof. I would get nervous. As a result, there was more than one occasion I didn’t quite say what I wanted to, I agreed to something I shouldn’t have for an easier life. As a result, I learnt the importance of being able to say no, the hard way.

Saying no is all about setting boundaries and priorities.

A Personal Lesson

I once started as a new manager on a large team in disarray. They had three managers in the last two months and five new starters in the last three months. Delivery had ground to a halt, priorities were constantly shifting, and the team were burnt out.

They had no one to protect them or fight their corner. They had no one to coach them on how to set priorities, how to mentor each other, and how to set boundaries.

During my first six months as the manager of this team, I felt like I was known as ‘that person’ who just said no every day to everyone. I went through a conscious period of being overprotective and saying no to everything unless it was business-critical because the team needed stability, they needed to get the feeling of bonding together and knowing that they would not have to deal with constant pressure changes for a prolonged period. That team transformed, and that stability was huge for their growth. All because me and the team learnt to say no, more.

This wasn’t easy as a new person in the company, being the person to come in and just be seen as standing overly firm and not making friends outside the team by saying no to everything. It was incredibly anxiety-inducing and pressured to say no as people escalated requests to stand firm.

I was lucky to have a great manager who completely understood and agreed with my direction, and who had my back.

How to Say No and It’s Importance

Sometimes you say no because the request isn’t a high enough priority, sometimes you do it to protect the welfare of your team. Not every request will be the same.

My point with the above story is not to pat my own back; it’s to demonstrate that there will come times in your career when you need to change your tactic of saying no and how frequently you do it.

You should always try to compromise. The other person is unlikely to be coming to you because they have nothing better to do. They are looking for you to help because they have a situation that needs improving; ‘We can’t do this right now because of <x>. We would be able to help with <y> around <z>. Does that work for you and your timelines? Happy to discuss further.’

It’s tempting to say yes. Saying no doesn’t have to be negative. You can reframe it as part of a broader discussion on priorities. For example, "That’s a great idea, but let’s focus on <x> first to ensure we’re delivering quality work."

Saying no also means you’re guiding your team toward the long-term vision instead of getting distracted by every new task that comes your way. As a manager, one of your roles is to focus on sustainable growth.

The Eisenhower Matrix

The above writing has largely been born from experience and personal struggles to learn hard lessons I want to share. I want to also give you exposure to a more universally well-reasoned tool: The Eisenhower Matrix.

I’ve also seen this called the urgency matrix. It’s ultimately a tool, a matrix, which helps you prioritise tasks. I like to call it The Eisenhower Matrix over The Urgency Matrix because it has a cool backstory.

It is named after Dwight D. Eisenhower, the 34th President of the United States, who famously used this method to prioritise his work.

I see it as a way of allowing yourself to be a little ruthless. If you sort your tasks or an incoming request into this grid, be honest about where it falls. If it falls into the low urgency and low important quadrant, as much as you might want to please everyone, as much as you might want to get everything done, just drop it. You have more important and impactful things to be doing. Focus, focus, focus.

I have an upcoming newsletter that dives into the Eisenhower matrix in great detail, so I will leave detailed advice for then as it’s much more involved than I feel is right to go into for this specific topic of saying no. I did want to share it with you so you can do some research, as I have found it to be a helpful mental model..

Closing Thoughts

Saying no is a learnt skill. I had to learn it the hard way. As a Software Engineer I had managers that were good at the skill, and I never appreciated how difficult it could be.

Saying no is not an excuse to just say no to everything because you can’t be bothered. You need to have a good reason or be willing to compromise.

There are mental models and tools to help understand what to prioritise and what to not, but the art of actually being able to say no can largely come from experience and going through it.

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