I’m gonna get right into it. It’s Prime Big Deals Day, the second biggest American holiday of the year, right behind it’s daddy, the king, Prime Day!!

And let me tell you, the deals this year are GOOD.

It’s a special thing, being alive for the first Prime Big Deal Days. Think about all the babies born tomorrow that will never be able to say they were there when Prime Big Deal Days started? Poor, stupid little babies.

It’s a special day for me because I came up with Prime Big Deal Days.

We were at a pitch meeting a few days ago, it’s a bunch of pencil pusher note takers, me, and Bezos (brother, best man at my wedding, best man at my brother’s wedding) - who really does NOT look too jacked in person, the images are not doing his physique justice, in person he looks slim AND strong and he’s my best friend so shut up.

Bezos says to me, he goes, “I wish we could have more Prime Days.”

And I say, because I’m the only man this side of Moscow that can be honest with Bezos, I say “the deals aren’t big enough.”

And he goes “what?”

And I say “The deals. They suck, Jeff. Don’t turn this into another Bezos Bucks thing.”

Three years ago, Jeff wanted to create his own currency. Bezos Bucks. He was set to announce it at the international currency conference too, but I stopped him. I said, “Bezos Bucks is a bad bet!!”

I told him the truth, that if he became currency, then he’d have to become the richest man of his own currency. It wouldn’t look good. It reeked of Enron, I told him.

I know that hits him close to home because he loved Enron. It was his favorite company whenever we made our “favorite company” lists.

“So what do we do?” he asks me.

“Make the deals bigger. No, make the deals big.”

All the pencil pushers turn their heads to Jeff to see what he says and he goes, “Big Deals Day.”

And I say “no you assclown. Deal. Big Deal Days. Double the days, double the deals.”

Bezos stops curling iron for the first time in that entire 35 minute meeting and says, “Big Deal Days.”

Everyone claps and I take the whole team out for oysters.

And so, Big Deals Day was born. My idea. Surely I should get at least 50% of the profits, no? Or at least a reimbursement for the oysters??

No. Bezos said I don’t deserve diddly doo. “You can have some Bezos Bucks,” he says to me, salty as hell.

Well, fuck that. I’m mad, so I’m gonna reveal to you all the dirty little secret that could just destroy Amazon Big Deals Day.

And here it is:

DO NOT BUY ANYTHING ON BIG DEALS DAY

I WILL explain how this works but I ask you please to make sure you’re:

1. sitting down

2. with someone you love

3. near water and bread and a bed in case you need any of them because of the overwhelm that shall inevitably overtake you as you read this

We’ll start with an example. Then, I’ll dive into the details of HOW it works. I really cannot stress this enough: the math that follows IS not for the faint of heart. It is a complicated paradox of time, space, and trauma that has bested many and worsted more.

Legally, I am not responsible for anything that follows. Thank you.

Let’s begin with the product that is on everyone’s mind this Big Deals Day

I know you know what I’m talking about:

The Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray).

I think I speak for us all when I say, daddy wants!!

As you can probably see, the Prime Big Deals Day deal for the Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray) is already frankly insane. Here’s a quick breakdown:

The math here is fairly sound. $11.20 is a whole lot less (49% in fact) than $22.00.

But here’s where things start to get a little weird. Watch this.

What would happen, theoretically speaking, if you just, idk, didn’t buy the $11.20 washcloth?

YOU GET TO KEEP THE MONEY!!!

Amazon does not want you to know this is an option because honestly it would ruin their business model which, and this is completely off the record, is to get you to buy dumb shit you don’t need for discounted prices that are, in fact, AlWAYS more than $0.

But wait, there’s less

And it isn’t just the Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray).

Say you needed 999 pairs of the Amazon Essentials Men’s 9” Quick-Dry Swim Trunk, Black, Large.

Without my hack and even WITH the Big Days Deal, that’d set you back a cool $14,535.45.

BUT WITH THE HACK ITS $0.00!!!

Not only that. BUT YOU ARE $14,535.45 RICHER FOR NOT BUYING ALL THOSE SHIRTS.

How about a fridge?

It works!! YOU MAKE SO MUCH MONEY and you don’t have to buy a fridge that doubles as a ‘House with Adjustable Glass Shelves’!!

Does it only work for expensive items???

Nope! Even though the Card Birthday Boy's or Girl's Life in Numbers - 24th Birthday Gifts for Womens or Men - 24th Birthday Decorations - Woman Mens Birthday Gift Ideas for 24 Years Old - 24 Birthday Poster [Unframed 8×10] is already selling at a Big Deal Days unbeatable cost of $3.49, my deal gets it down to the very low literally free price of $0.00.

Something doesn’t feel right about this…

For all the geniuses in the room who are thinking “Um…ok sure, yes, this is a sweet hack and I’d never thought about it before but guess what, “Alex,” it doesn’t work!!”

To which I’d say, dumbfounded like Deal-lock Holmes, “it doesn’t??”

And then the genius would say, all proud like he’d just cooked some pasta without help, “nope! Because when you don’t buy the product, you also DO NOT GET THE PRODUCT THAT YOU WANTED TO BUY!!”

To which I would say…

Exactly

You don’t need any of the dumb shit that’s on sale at Amazon Prime Day dot com. This is the true beauty of my system. If you do it correctly, you will end up with:

1. Loads of cash

2. No washcloths, no fridge-houses, no 999 pairs of ‘quik dry’ shirts, no posters about…being 24

That’s right. You make money AND you won’t even get one of these pieces of shit

That’s right! You pay nothing AND you don’t have to ever have a Exfoliating Knitted Back Scrubber with Handles Two Sides for Body Shower Deep Cleans Skin Massages Invigorating Blood Circulation Men Women One Size Japanese Bath Wash Scrub Cloth (Gray) in your house aka a $12 rag.

“But I need that new thing”

No you don’t. Most of us have all that we need — a bed, snacks, water that flows freely, toilet stuff, and some crayons for doing pictures. That’s basically it! Food , as well.

A lot of people don’t even have that stuff. Now if Bezos wanted to make Prime Day a mutual-aid-a-thon where everyone buys stuff for the people who need it until no one is homeless, that’d be great!!

But as it stands now, yuck.

I’m no hero

I talk a big game and I walk a big talk, but I’m human just like you. While writing this tell-all bombshell of a piece, I succumbed (succame?) to the deals myself and bought a “military grade” phone holder for my car and a hydroflask bottle with the “old tip” because the “new tip” was not on sale.

But just think about what woulda happened if I’d followed my own advice.

I’d be $43.31 richer and none the poorer, because I certainly did not need either of those dumb things not even a little.

If you’re reading these words, I’ve somehow managed to get this out to the public. I’ll probably go into witness protection (note to self: can anyone use that program, or do you have to be a ‘witness’ and if so, what sorts of witnesses apply?)

Until I come back, most likely next Prime Day, tell all your friends about this and let’s save each other from the hell of Prime Day.

And remember:

Comments:

1. What dumb shit did you NOT buy this Prime Day?

2. What even dumber shit did you end up buying?

3. How are you doing emotionally and mentally after having your mind blown by this paradigm shifting protocol?

6. What will you do today instead of buying more dumb shit on Amazon dot com