When I think of Coachella, arguably the most important music festival in North America, I think of that one photo of Leonardo DiCaprio trying to murmur seductively into the ear of Rihanna. I think of Homecoming, of course, specifically Beyoncé saying “Thank you Coachella for allowing me to be the first black woman to headline Coachella … ain’t that about a bitch?” I do not think of attending. 

Apparently, neither do a lot of people. Peak pandemic closures impacted the festival business, but even after musicians returned to touring and fans resumed live events, the festival popularity of the 2010s didn’t return. Burning Man failed to sell out this year for the first time since 2011; this year. Coachella’s ticket sales dropped about 15% from last year. A music economist interviewed by NPR points to increasingly fragmented listening habits, a crowded touring market, and ballooning operations costs that make breaking even almost impossible for many festivals. In the time since Coachella became one of the world’s dominant festivals, for musicians, brands, and influencers, its cultural influence has begun to wane. A Bloomberg report from early October says Rihanna and Kendrick Lamar declined offers to headline Coachella. “With six months to go until next year’s festival, [Paul Tollett, the fest’s founder] is scrambling to secure the kind of headliner that can restore the luster of the largest music festival in North America.”

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I don’t go to Coachella because I have never been interested in music festivals, mostly because the bathroom situation has never appealed to me. (I also just don’t like waiting in lines. Coachella seems rife with line-waiting.) But Coachella is still kind of cool, given the surfeit of brands who support it and the celebrities who frequent it. (I would wait in a short line for the Rhode photobooth, unfortunately, the pocket blushes are too good.) The demographic is finally trending a bit younger, according to a scene report in The Guardian at this year’s fest, with Gen-Z women making their presence felt.

I’m about to propose something radical to you, something that I have been thinking about for months and am convinced is such a brilliant idea I’m confused why it hasn’t happened yet. Instead of cobbling together a big audience out of smaller artists, or God forbid calling John Legend who is not only affordable but is already on his way, shouldn’t Coachella opt for a headliner that is both young and nostalgic, ultra-famous but enigmatic? What if Coachella’s comeback could dovetail with its headliner’s? I mean hello: Justin Bieber should headline Coachella.

I don’t think I have to sell you on Bieber’s raw ability as one of the male musicians of his generation. Tween-year-old Bieber singing...