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So much has been taken from me (and the collective we) this week.¹ But something small bit of dignity has been clawed back, an ever-so-narrow victory has been gained: At least Ryan Reynolds has been told about himself. Every month Bilt, the Mastercard credit card that is popular (at least among my neighbors) to use on rent payments, gets a celebrity to guest on the Bilt Rewards game show.² Martha Stewart, in the middle of her press run for her eponymous Netflix documentary³, was the guest on November 1st. Part of the game involves Bilt asking its users who would be the most fun celebrity to hang out with, and Stewart has to guess the most popular responses. Stewart said she assumed Snoop Dogg would be on the list (indeed, he rounded out the top three). “He’s probably on the list just ‘cause he covers himself up in his movies and you don’t see his face — Ryan Reynolds, is he [on the list]?” she asked. “And you want to know something? He’s not so funny in real life. No, he’s not so funny,” she said. “He’s very serious.” The Bilt host (who is also the company’s CEO??⁴) laughed uncomfortably and then asked Stewart for her ranking of the most popular replies: Taylor Swift, Ryan Reynolds, and Snoop Dogg. Swift and Snoop could stay, Stewart said, but not Deadpool. “I would take Ryan off it,” she said, “and I would put in somebody else.” “He’s a good actor,” Stewart allowed. “He can act funny, but he isn’t funny. Maybe he can get to be funny again.” Then she gave a verbal throwing up of her hands: “I’m going to get in trouble. He’s my neighbor.” I have something very important to share with you: Stewart should not get in trouble. She should get a big pair of scissors and a big ribbon. She should have a big check to sign and cash. (She’s rich, who cares if it’s her money.) A very good turkey sandwich should be named after her in her honor. To inadvertently prove just how right she was, Ryan Reynolds responded to the not funny allegations on Twitter. “I’d disagree with her. But I tried that once. The woman is unexpectedly spry,” he wrote. “She really closed the gap after a mile or so.”
I’ve sat with this tweet for many days, and thought about it across various locations and moods. I … am not sure what it means? The premise of this “joke” (if you want to call it that … but I’d call it just a series of sentences) is that Ryan Reynolds and Martha Stewart got into a disagreement and he ran away from her and she is pretty fast runner … but that he is faster …? (Reynolds is 48 years old, for what it’s worth, and Stewart is 83 years old.) The funniest thing Ryan Reynolds could come up with is that he outran his elderly neighbor. (I can’t wait for the inevitable Ryan Reynolds-Bilt partnership.) You could say Martha Stewart packed up Ryan Reynolds, put him in a to-go bag, sent him home. You could say Martha Stewart threw water on Ryan Reynolds⁵ and like the Wicked Witch of the West, he shriveled up into nothing more than … what … a series of brand obsessesions who can memorize lines. Martha Stewart has set Blake Lively’s reintegration into society (after a bad press tour and a troubled⁶ consumer goods play) back at least two months. Cross a bob it’ll cost ya: Martha Stewart was waiting on Ryan Reynolds at the do’. Ugh — what a week! But at least I can rest assured that Martha Stewart made Ryan Reynolds’s eye twitch. A grateful nation (maybe two⁷) gives Stewart its thanks.
What the paid list got this week:
More more more More on Grammy noms⁹: “I do need everybody to know that, while Addison Rae is on a nominated song, she herself is not nominated. It’s an award only for the remixer, so it’s just A.G. Cook.” (@jasonspank) Zendaya and Anne Hathaway join Tom Holland and Matt Damon in Christopher Nolan’s next movie. (Variety) Huge day for this. The Cher-Kelly Clarkson Christmas disco song is so good! (“DJ Play a Christmas Song”) Nicole Scherzinger supports Trump, I guess? (The Cut)
Quincy Jones died at 91 on Sunday night. Reupping his Vulture In Conversation, an all-timer:
That’s all this week! I’ll leave you with this: I have maybe 14 separate questions about Lizzo’s message of healing (?) for the world. Starting with … my sister how are you holding that pen? And “Lizzo” has only one z, but also the z is a 7?¹⁰ Anyway:  Have a good weekend! 1 The primary culprit is Joe Biden and the Democratic party leadership. The secondary culprit is Donald Trump.  @nytimesDonald Trump has completed a stunning political comeback, making key gains with a variety of voting blocs that have traditionally favored Democrats. In the early hours of Wednesday morning, Michael Barbaro sat down with a panel of New York Times journalists to make sense of the election results. Tap the link in our bio to watch or listen to the full conversation on "The Daily." #2024election #Trump #Harris 2 You can watch the full show here. 3 My friend Hayley (Lesbian Food Account) wrote something about it that I liked! Haven’t gotten a chance to watch the doc yet myself.  4 This is such a Succession joke I cannot, lmao. 5 Something else:
6 After selling well at Target the first week, Blake Brown Beauty’s Target sales “dropped more than 87 percent between August 11, when sales peaked, and September 15,” per Puck. 7 If you count Canada. 8 This is actually correct! People never think “winningest” is correct but it is! 10 And also have watched this video six times in a row with the only goal of trying to figure out how she makes those Xs…
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