Friends, I am reporting live from a depression hole. I have had treatment resistant major depressive disorder for more than a decade, and the more treatable kind for the decades before that. I have accepted that the black dog will always be a factor in my life to some degree, but this is the worst episode I can recall since the very early aughts. I am not suicidal or self-harming, I am trying to do all the stuff I would encourage any of you to do, but my fragile meat helmet is not generating enough action chemicals, focus chemicals, or enjoyment chemicals to pull out of the dive, and I have some barriers to fixing that, starting with: - 6 distinct health insurances in 7 months due to spouse’s employment fluctuations and cascading open enrollment schedules, each with their own new deductible, and all somehow not managing to include a single in-network psychiatrist. We have a brand new network as of March 1, but they haven’t published their provider network yet so there are zero doctors of any kind in IL. Surprise!
- A December med switch (with the help of my valiant primary care doc) that not only did not help me feel less depressed, it added a cocktail of GI, insomnia, and dry mouth side effects as well as a persisent anhedonia. “What do you want for dinner?” = me staring into space for 45 minutes trying to think of an answer that isn’t “nothing. I want nothing.” I’m tapering off those and going back on the one that at least put a floor on how low it could go and hoping new insurance will let me access other therapies (no recs or advice please and thank you, I have information, what I need is a DOCTOR who can implement stuff and get it covered by insurance).
- Literally everything about US politics & world affairs, which I know I don’t have to describe to this crowd. “They’re just trying to overwhelm you and drive you to despair!” Yup! You can know all about abuse dynamics and how abusers operate, and also, when you’re trapped with an abuser bent on destroying everything you value, the abuse can still totally work on you! “The best antidote is to organize and do something!” Yup, good advice, have doled it out myself. I try to bully Dick Durbin once a day and once I can both shower and brush my teeth three days running I’ll get right on forming a robust mutual aid network with my neighbors, or something. I want to, and I know I will, but I just don’t got it right now.
- There is an IRS problem I have been trying to unfuck off and on since 2019 or so and I hired a lawyer and gave them a bunch of money to handle it but every time it seems handled, another fat, sassy envelope from the IRS arrives threatening to levy bank accounts and not renew my passport and I have to call the lawyer again. Every time the IRS does its thing, it tells the State of Illinois, and then I get more scary letters. Anyway, three guesses as to what just showed up in the mail.
- I have been writing as often as I can but as you can probably tell from this tale of woe it is not exactly my best work. I have a bunch of post drafts where I get 3/4 of the way through before my brain becomes a test pattern and I have to start over the next day to pick up my own train of thought and if I don’t finish before the static kicks in I get to try again tomorrow. And tomorrow. And the day after that. Anyways I have been trying to help a lady text her verbally abusive mom back about a brunch invitation for 6 days and counting.
I know it will not be this bad forever and that I have a lot of people, including all of you, in my corner. I’m mostly writing this down because I used to tell my students that “drowning” and “not giving a shit” look identical from the outside if you don’t tell anyone what’s going on. Hiding isn’t helping and shame is not useful. I definitely give multiple shits, but all my spoons are in the dishwasher. I deeply apologize for putting both of those metaphors in the same sentence, but if I try to fix it we might be here another week. Thanks for listening and for trusting that I will come back to the work I love. If you are also going through it, you’re not alone. I’m gonna go pet this kitty now.
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