Sean Collins

Allie! You recently reported on how much work we should put into relationships. I feel like you often hear that "relationships take work.” What does it mean to put work into a relationship?

Allie Volpe

It’s very popular advice. Defining “work” was something I struggled with at first in my reporting. 

From talking with researchers and therapists, I've come to the conclusion that work is the more mundane aspects of maintaining a relationship. It's checking in with your partner at the end of the day, but it's also voicing when you feel insecure about something, or you feel upset about something. It’s having little maintenance conversations — not necessarily a fight, but sometimes it is having a fight, too.

Sean Collins

That almost makes me wonder if the old adage is using the right word. Because “work” sounds unpleasant, but what you’re describing doesn’t sound bad at all.

Allie Volpe

Yeah! It's just effort. And every relationship requires effort. I don't want to scare people into thinking, Oh my god, this is gonna be, like, so strenuous, but you do have to do something to maintain a relationship; you can't just let it hang. 

That something can literally be as simple as, “Hello. How are you? How is it going? How can I improve upon how I'm making you feel?”

Sean Collins

Where did the idea that relationships need work come from? Were people going around in ancient times saying, “Relationships take work?”

Allie Volpe

No, this is a pretty recent phenomenon. 

I interviewed a historian named Kristin Celello. She wrote a book called Making Marriage Work, and she outlines where this idea came from. Prior to the 20th century, marriage was pretty functional — you got married to have resources, basically. Generally, women had no rights. 

Because you got married for all of these reasons except love, people didn't really talk about their relationships at all. But by the end of the 19th century, suddenly, people were getting divorced, and all of these experts were worried about it. 

Celello explains that this weird conglomerate of social scientists, psychologists, and the media, banded together to be like, Please, everyone, marriage is so special; we need to take it more seriously. 

And from that, the marriage counseling industry was born. And that's where we start to get the idea that marriage is work, because you go to counseling and they tell you, Yep, you really need to work at this relationship so you don't get divorced. Basically, lobbying by big marriage is what put this idea into our collective psyches that marriage is work. 

Sean Collins

That’s very interesting. It sounds like putting work into a relationship is a good thing, but is there such a thing as too much work?

Allie Volpe

The answer to that is going to be different for everybody. But generally, things go wrong when the work benefits only one party or if it’s not being spread equally. 

So if your attitude is that your spouse needs to do all the housework and raise the kids and just keep a smile on their face, that’s a situation where it’s only one person's work to maintain the relationship. And so in that case, I would say that is definitely too much work.

If you're getting to a point where you feel unsafe, that’s definitely not a relationship that you need to put any more effort into. 

And if you're retreading the same arguments over and over and over again, and you're not making any progress, that's probably too much work. 

A sex therapist I talked to for my reporting said it's often the case that individuals need to do work by themselves. She said there’s often one member of the couple who, to use her term, overfunctions, and one who underfunctions, and that can lead to a mismatch in work.

Like, maybe the overfunctioning person has a particular way of doing things, and ends up doing more because the underfunctioning person is like, I can't fold the laundry because I don't do it as well as you.

Both of those people need to do work in order to meet the other person in the middle.

Sean Collins

What should people do if they feel like, I'm putting in too much work.

Allie Volpe

I think that’s the time to ask yourself, What is it that I want from this relationship? It can feel comfortable to stay in a relationship because it’s what you know or because it can be a lot of work to get out of a relationship.

Deciding to end a relationship when you feel like it's too much work is a huge decision to come to — there's no easy answers here.

Sean Collins

What about the opposite? What about if you're looking at your relationship and you're like, I need to do more work?

Allie Volpe

John and Julie Gottman, the very famous relationship researchers, outlined some pretty simple things people can do to feel more connected.

They found people reported their marriage improving if they dedicated six hours over the course of a week to six pieces of “work.”

Number one is saying goodbye every day for two minutes. 

Two, have a little kiss, have a little hug, chat for 20 minutes about how each other’s day was when you’re reunited.

Three, throughout the day, sprinkle in your appreciation for your partner. 

Four, devote at least five minutes to physical affection every day. That's cuddling, kissing, hugging, whatever. 

Five is a bigger one: A two hour date night once a week.

Finally, checking in with each other and having a deep conversation that's at least an hour once a week. 

All that should add up to six hours, and ideally, shouldn’t feel like too much effort. And that should help you feel closer.